I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
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Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
@ candidates for local office
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.