please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
You Might Also Like
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Matt Goss
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that