If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
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I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready