god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
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So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Meme Monday.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.