I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
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ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David