How did we not see this back then?
You Might Also Like
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds