Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
You Might Also Like
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
i’m sure it’s fine
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.