Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
You Might Also Like
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.