Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
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The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
(more comics:
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.