What the hell happened here.
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When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this