me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
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Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
when u come home smelling like another dog
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*