i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
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Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My background check bounced.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
fixed it
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
How funny!
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started