Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
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I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
This bar smells like my childhood.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
My first child will be named New Folder.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart