WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
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If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Shower sex be like:
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!