Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
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I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?