I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
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Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
worst…sale…ever
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.