I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
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Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary