me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
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“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
*offers Batman cough drops*
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.