Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
You Might Also Like
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)