Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
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“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT