Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
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the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Happy Febuary everyone!