I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
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Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Blew my mind.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.