Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
You Might Also Like
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know