Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
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Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”