I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
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Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.