Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
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Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
is nasa ok
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.