although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
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[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Mountain Goat : )
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
6. me as a lawyer
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.