Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
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[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00