My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
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Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.