-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
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There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I’M CRYINGGG
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Pizza is an emotion right?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop