Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
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[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Monday
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years