“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Lol #dogsoftwitter
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one