I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
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My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.