TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
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A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
spicy snake
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer