Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
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People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
A roof is a house hat.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies