Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
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Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Running from your problems is cardio .
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
damn he’s good
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.