I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.