Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
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“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell