My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
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Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.