I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
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I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all