The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
You Might Also Like
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?