So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
You Might Also Like
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.