to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
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Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
This made me smile…
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant