Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
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Breaking news:
Unexpected Judgment
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
How to make infinite energy.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?