Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
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It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.