Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
You Might Also Like
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.