Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
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Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.