ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
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Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??