“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
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I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
[eats all your cotton candy]
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Ain’t no way
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.