when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
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ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
When I play the kazoo, I play to win